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a joke thread - 19 edition

May 8, 2007 5:50 PM

  Latest reply: LTsFolly, May 12, 2013 3:25 AM
Replies 1 ... 38 39 40 41 42 ... 58 Previous Next
  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 17, 2009 7:17 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    I know John L, I've worked with John L, and Senator, I'm no John L, but I heard that one 20 years ago. ;-)
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 17, 2009 7:44 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    That reminds me of an old one that may go over the heads of our younger loungies.

    One day, John the bus driver came to work, only to find that his regular bus was in the shop. The only bus they could get was a charter bus that just came off the Sesame Street Live tour, and had pictures of Big Bird, Elmo and Cookie Monster all over it.

    At the first stop, he picks up two really big women, and in some odd coincidence, they both call each other "Patty."

    At his next stop, he picks up a mentally-challenged man named Ross, who tells the driver that he's "special."

    At the next stop, he picks up this bratty little kid named Lester, who teases the passengers about their attributes. He also takes off his shoe, where he has a bunion on his big toe that he picks at.

    When John gets done with his run, his boss asks him how it went.

    "Well, I had two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester 'Tease,' picking his bunions, on a Sesame Street bus."

    (I don't get it.)
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 17, 2009 7:47 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Heh!

    (yeah, I got it)
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 17, 2009 7:48 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    From around the same time as this all-time classic:

    I'd like to teach the world to sing
    In perfect harmony
    I'd like to buy the world a Coke
    And keep it company
    That's the real thing.
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 17, 2009 8:20 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    >http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mOEU87SBTU

    That's the real thing.
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 17, 2009 8:22 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Did they have a redux of that commercial in the Super Bowl this year? I had heard somewhere that they were going to.
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 18, 2009 3:03 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Just when you thought all the good ideas were taken! <br /> <br /> <a href="http://www.pixentral.com/show.php?picture=1NdTKpVHmpbRJ3Pdr15kW GpOqFRNw" /></a> <img alt="Picture hosted by Pixentral" src="http://www.pixentral.com/hosted/1NdTKpVHmpbRJ3Pdr15kWGpOqFRNw_th umb.jpg" border="0" />
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 19, 2009 5:30 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    PEBKAT

    (Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Toilet)
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 19, 2009 5:36 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

    For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

    No further studies are expected
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 19, 2009 7:22 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Here's a fun website. Look for the one on Politishop 8.0

    http://www.markfiore.com/

    Also one called "The Clapper".
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 20, 2009 7:39 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    dave, look for the icon that has a black background with an arrow pointing up.
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 20, 2009 11:00 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Oldie but Goodie or Moldy Oldie, you choose:

    Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
    System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
    Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
    Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer
    I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
    Only this and nothing more.

    Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing.
    Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
    But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
    "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
    One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
    Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
    These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
    Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
    The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
    Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
    From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
    Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
    Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
    But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
    Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
    Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
    I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
    Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
    Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
    Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
    Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
    Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
    And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
    A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
    The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
    Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
    What demonic nether world is wrought where lost data will be stored,
    Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
    But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
    You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
    Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 22, 2009 11:29 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Airline Announcements?

    United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

    *************************************

    On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

    *************************************

    'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

    *************************************

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

    She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

    'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

    The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

    ***************************************

    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

    *******************************************

    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

    *************************************

    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

    *************************************

    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

    ***********************************

    'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

    ***********************************

    'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

    ******************************************

    Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

    ****************************************

    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

    ****************************************

    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

    ****************************************

    Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

    ****************************************

    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

    A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 22, 2009 3:02 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Lots of good laughs!
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 23, 2009 9:10 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

    "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 23, 2009 9:11 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 23, 2009 10:02 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Good ol' Mandell!
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 23, 2009 11:57 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    FREE NELSON MANDELL!
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 23, 2009 12:04 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    The bank foreclosed on the farm, so now he's just the man in the dell.
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 23, 2009 12:09 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Man, that's just hell.
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 23, 2009 12:11 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    I remember that sheep joke. Its pretty baaaaaaaaaad.
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 23, 2009 4:10 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    &gt;"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!" <br /> <br />XD <br /> <br />&gt;FREE NELSON MANDELL! <br /> <br />I thought that was Howie Mandela. <br />%( <br /> <br />The bank foreclosed on the farm, so now he's just the man in the dell. <br /> <a href="http://www.pixentral.com/show.php?picture=18ns5nznPUoFDShJEx7Je wGlltI7Zl" /></a> <img alt="Picture hosted by Pixentral" src="http://www.pixentral.com/hosted/18ns5nznPUoFDShJEx7JewGlltI7Zl_t humb.jpg" border="0" />
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 23, 2009 5:17 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    >WASHINGTON: US President Barack Obama has convened a summit on fiscal responsibility next week to discuss with independent experts, advocacy groups and members of the Congress how the trillion-dollar deficit can be cut.

    >"The President and the Vice-President will host the Fiscal Responsibility Summit at the White House and lead a frank discussion on how we can address the long-term fiscal problems facing this country," White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs told reporters during his daily press briefing.
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 23, 2009 5:40 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    I didn't see anything about Howie Mandell in that press release.
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 23, 2009 5:43 PM   in reply to dave milbut
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 24, 2009 9:31 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    It's a bonana bonanza!
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 24, 2009 10:19 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Might get slippery.
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 24, 2009 11:05 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollipop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

    He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

    'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted.

    'An Ambulance just drove by.'

    'Looks like the Anderson's have company', he called out.

    'Matt's riding a new bike....'

    'Looks like the Sanders are moving'

    'Jason is on his skate board....'

    After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

    Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'

    ''Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.'
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 24, 2009 12:37 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    LOL!
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 25, 2009 3:46 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    A young fellow for whom English was a second language worked as a cook at an Army base. he constantly mixed up his r's and l's and a particular sargent was merciless on him each time he messed up.

    Well, the cook finally had enough. he went home and practices before a mirror to get it right.

    So, one day after he was satisified, he went in and made a batch of fried rice. The sargent came in, broke into a wide grin and asked "What's for lunch, cookie?", and without missing a beat, the cook looked up and said: "Fried Rice...you plick!"
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Feb 25, 2009 5:44 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school. In one class they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

    The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

    So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

    A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy'.

    No, said Gordon - that would be an accident'.

    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'.

    'I'm afraid not,' explained Gordon, 'that's what we would call great loss'.

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

    Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me
    an example of a tragedy?'.

    Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand.

    In a quiet voice he said 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Darling was
    struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy'.

    'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'.

    'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either'.
     
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