A FSIS inspector, together with a supervisor and an FBI agent, as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in west Texas. The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for possible violations of the food safety law."
The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The FSIS agent verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us." Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your badges! Show him your badges!"
Two truckers were sitting in a road house, eating lunch; when a woman at the counter began choking. One immediately approached. 'Can you breathe? he asked. The lady shook her head. Acting quickly, the trucker spun her around, pulled up her dress, ripped off her drawers, and stuck his tongue up her backside. The woman, completely taken aback (pun intended), coughed up the obstruction. As the trucker sat back down, his buddy said; 'I've heard of that there hind-lick maneuver, but this is the first time I've seen anybody do it.'
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
>17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased . . ... . . ..
And Dog was happy. . . ..
And Cat didn't give a **** one way or the other....
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany
Her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like
Most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
Get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife
Is like most women - - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter
From the local Wal-Mart.
Over the past six months, your husband has been
Causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
Tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
Both of you from the store. Our complaints against
Him are listed below and are documented by our video
1 June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts20when they weren't looking.
2 July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
3 July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
The women's? Restroom.
4 July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
Voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5 August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6 August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
7 August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told
Other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
Bring pillows and blankets from the bedding
8 August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
Crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just
Leave me alone?'
9 September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as
A mirror while he picked his nose.
While handling guns in the hunting department, he
Asked the clerk where the antidepre ssants were.
11. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
Humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
Look by using different sizes of funnels.
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
Through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
Assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S
THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least
15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
Awhile, then yelled? Very loudly, 'Hey! There's no
Toilet paper in here!'??
Ok, so this is bad, but imma share it with you anyways:
A Mexican lady was walking along the bank of the L.A. River when she stumbled upon an old empty cerveza bottle. She picked it up, rubbed it, and SNAP!!! a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.
She said to the Genie, "I heard from mi prima (cousin) that I could have three wishes if I ever found a Genie." The Genie then said, "Oh no, sorry, esa(lady). Three-wish genies are story-tale myth.
I'm a ONE-WISH Genie, Uno, no mas! So...que quieres?" The lady didn't hesitate. She said, "I want Peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Gringos and I want all the Jews and Gringos to love the Arabs. It will bring world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Orale! BE REASONABLE!..... Those fools have a beef that goes back thousands Of years, chale! I'm out of shape after being in that bottle for five hundred years. I'm good, but NOT THAT
GOOD!!! I don't think it can be done. PLEASE make another wish and please, take it easy."
The lady thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. I want a Mexican boyfriend....You know, one that -DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, nice y fun, likes cumbias, and helps with cleaning la casa. I want him to be great in bed and gets along con mi familia, and is FAITHFUL and doesn't throw chingasos(right hooks) at me. That's what I wish for....a good Mexican man!"
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his cabeza(head) and said, "Ay vieja!!!......Let me see that map again!!!!
Ok, don't get on my case if this isn't true because I haven't checked ' snopes.com' to see if this actually works, but they say that if you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should drink some Windex first.