Mental Hospital Answering Machine
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly .
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6 .
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call .
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship .
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press .
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway .
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696 .
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep . Please wait for the beep .
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 .
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 .
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 .
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you ..
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry . You won't be crazy forever .
you know you're from new jersey when:
You've been seriously injured at Action Park.
You know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from New York (usually The Bronx) or Texas.
You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges."
You know that it's called "Great Adventure," not "Six Flags."
You've ordered a hard roll with butter for breakfast.
You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.
You've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 am.
Whenever you park, there's a Camaro within three spots of you.
You remember that the "Two Guys" were from Harrison.
You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.
At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and you know what town Jon Bon Jovi is from.
You know what a "jug handle" is.
You know that a WaWa is a convenience store.
You know that the state isn't all farmland.
You know that there are no "beaches" in new Jersey - there's "The Shore," and you know that the road to the shore is "The Parkway" not "The Garden State Highway."
You know that "Piney" isn't referring to a tree.
Even your school cafeteria made good Italian subs, and, you call it a "sub" not a "submarine sandwich" or worse yet, a "hoagy" or a "hero."
You remember the song from the Palisades Park commercials.
You know how to properly negotiate a Circle.
You knew that the last question had to do with driving.
You know that "Acme" is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros creation.
You know that this is the only "New..." state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (like, try ...Mexico, ...York, ...Hampshire (doesn't work, does it?).
You know how to translate this conversation: "Jeet yet?" "No, Jew?"
You only go to New York City for day trips, and you only call it "The City."
You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.
You consider a corned beef sandwich with lettuce and mayo a sacrilege.
In the 80's you wore your hair REALLY high.
You don't think "What exit" (do you live near?) is very funny.
You know that the real first "strip shopping center" in the country is Route 22.
You know that people from 609 area code are "a little different."
You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton - that's for out-of-staters.
The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or local bar.
You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.
You can see the Manhattan skyline from some part of your town.
You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.
Every year, you had at least one kid in your class named Tony.
You know where every "clip" shown in the Sopranos opening credits is.
You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook Mall.
You've eaten a Boardwalk cheesesteak with vinegar fries.
You have a favorite Atlantic City casino.
You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.
You know you're from Jersey if you weren't born and raised in New Jersey, it was either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.
You say the words "water", "coffee", "dog" and "whatever", like this "wadder", "cawfee", "dowg" and "wadever".
You know you're from New Jersey, when you know that you're better than everyone else
And finally...
You've never pumped your own gas.
Not a joke but allegedly true:
BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR
Charlotte, North Carolina, USA.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the 24 cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued... and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim!
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW, FOR THE BEST PART!
After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!
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