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a joke thread - 19 edition

May 8, 2007 5:50 PM

  Latest reply: shunithD, Jun 15, 2013 11:37 AM
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    Mar 19, 2009 3:51 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    A beautiful woman was hosting a party for recent college graduates from
    across the country. She is walking amongst the guests, then suddenly
    turns to one and says, "You're a Caltech graduate, aren't you?"

    "That's right," he says, a little surprised. "How'd you know?"

    "Well, I could tell just by looking at you how intelligent you were --
    something in the eyes, I guess." He's flattered, and they talk for a while,
    then she goes back to circulating. After a while, she buttonholes another
    man and says, "I bet you're a Harvard man."

    "Yeah, how'd you guess?" he asks.

    "Easy: I saw by the way you held yourself that you were very suave and
    self-assured." They chat for a little while, and she resumes walking
    around. She comes up to a third guest and says, "Hey, you're from MIT,
    right?"

    "I am," he answers her. Having overheard the other two conversations,
    he eagerly says, "How could you tell? Did I look smart, or confident, or
    handsome or something?"

    "No," she says. "I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose."
     
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    Mar 19, 2009 4:23 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    God gave me my face, but he let me pick my nose.
     
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    Mar 19, 2009 9:11 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    >God gave me my face, but he let me pick my nose.

    XD

    NIce twist on the old, you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.
     
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    Mar 20, 2009 7:57 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Every Friday, a man in Newfoundland fired up the barbie in the yard and cooked up a big moose steak. This was very annoying to his neighbours, who, being Catholic, were forbidden meat. They talked to the Priest, who, in turn, talked to the epicure. To the surprise of all, he agreed to become Catholic. On the day of his Confirmation, the Priest anointed him with the Holy Water, and said: "A Methodist you were born, a Methodist you were raised. You are now a Catholic."
    THEN, they told him about meatless Fridays.
    The next week, his neighbours were again assailed with the heavenly, but naughty aroma of charring moose meat. The Priest was immediately called, and went to the backslider's home. As he rounded the corner of the house, he beheld his new convert sprinkling barbie sauce on the steak.

    Saying: "A moose you were born, a moose you were raised. You are now a codfish."
     
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    Mar 20, 2009 1:26 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Batman's priest couldn't wait to wrap his lips around Robin's codpiece.
     
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    Mar 20, 2009 3:03 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    F'in jerk.
     
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    Mar 20, 2009 4:08 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    <a href="http://www.pixentral.com/show.php?picture=1vWPXEFH55p9TTi8SumQu PyKHkfelK" /></a> <img alt="Picture hosted by Pixentral" src="http://www.pixentral.com/hosted/1vWPXEFH55p9TTi8SumQuPyKHkfelK_t humb.jpg" border="0" /> <br /> <br />Clean and jerk.
     
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    Mar 23, 2009 10:51 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Looks like snatch to me.
    (Sorry, couldn't resist.)
     
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    Mar 23, 2009 1:36 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Boy, do you need glasses or what?
     
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    Mar 24, 2009 3:48 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Advantages of Leasing over Purchasing

    Purchasing
    The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:
    After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming they had sex every night during their 5 year relationship, it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.

    Leasing
    On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's classy hooker, Kristen, an absolute stunner, charges $4,000 an hour.

    Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years a $41.7 million savings.

    Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, no ******** and complaining or 'honey-do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when asked. All at 1/7th the cost, and no legal fees.

    Sometimes leasing really does make more sense.
     
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    Mar 24, 2009 6:03 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    That $41.7 was for all the BS she probably had to put up with 24/7.
     
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    Mar 24, 2009 6:05 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    That comes to about $1118.72/hr, including sex.
     
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    Mar 24, 2009 7:32 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    ITALIAN SECRET TO A LONG MARRIAGE

    At Saint Rocco's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes & share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is that I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
    The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

    Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her!"
     
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    Mar 24, 2009 11:38 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Four
     
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    Mar 26, 2009 11:55 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs
    for breakfast....

    He walked in; She turned and said,
    "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

    His eyes lit up and he thought,"This is my lucky day."

    Not wanting to lose the moment,he embraced her and then gave
    it his all; right there on the kitchen table!

    Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
    More than a little puzzled, he asked:

    "What was that all about?"

    She explained, "The egg-timer's broken!!"
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Mar 27, 2009 3:36 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Ha!
     
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    Mar 28, 2009 2:43 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Redneck word for the day: Obama <br /> <br /> <a href="http://www.pixentral.com/show.php?picture=1GYjbkx2aO1flnMFoSbaD lMB8zjaUB" /></a> <img alt="Picture hosted by Pixentral" src="http://www.pixentral.com/hosted/1GYjbkx2aO1flnMFoSbaDlMB8zjaUB_t humb.jpg" border="0" /> <br /> <br />I bought me a case of beer and drank it all 'obama' self.
     
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    Mar 28, 2009 2:46 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Was that redneck?...or redbelly?
     
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    Mar 30, 2009 11:12 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, and we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.

    Well, said the big croc, what have you been eating? Politicians, same as you, replied the small croc. Hmm. Well, where do you catch them? Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol. Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them? Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!

    Ah! says the big Crocodile, I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a politician, there's nothing left but an ******* and a briefcase.
     
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    Mar 30, 2009 5:26 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    lol
     
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    Mar 31, 2009 6:16 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Apparently true:
    Have you heard of the newest drink craze in NYC? Called a 'Sully':
    two shots of Grey Goose,and a splash of water.
     
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    Mar 31, 2009 8:37 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    As JL would say 'Papa, your a few months late on that one'. :-)
     
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    Mar 31, 2009 10:39 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    MC Hammer was on that plane, but he wasn't worried because he was wearing (wait for it)
    b PARACHUTE PANTS!

    Oh, how I love topical humor.
     
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    Mar 31, 2009 12:09 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    I can't touch that.
    8)
     
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    Mar 31, 2009 1:24 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    I have been late before. (That just sounds wrong)
     
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    Apr 10, 2009 12:13 PM   in reply to dave milbut

    dave milbut wrote:

     

    lmao at every single one of those! :)

     

     

    Does that mean you've got no a left?

     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Apr 10, 2009 12:46 PM   in reply to dave milbut

    That must mean you can't go. 

     
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    Apr 10, 2009 2:15 PM   in reply to dave milbut

    Somebody phoned to tell me that I'd better catch Prince Albert, 'cause he's running down the road, but that can't be. After all, he has ten-pound balls, and can hardly walk.

     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Apr 11, 2009 2:56 AM   in reply to dave milbut

    Not a joke but allegedly true:

     

     

    BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR 

     

    Charlotte, North Carolina, USA.
    A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
    Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
    In his claim, the lawyer stated the 24 cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
    The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
    The lawyer sued...  and WON!

     

    (Stay with me.)

     


    Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim!
    Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

     


    NOW, FOR THE BEST PART!


    After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!

     

    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

    This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

     
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