It's like all the old laws that aren't enforced anymore. I heard once that in TN I think there is a law where a man must sit on the hood of a car and shoot into the air to warn others that a woman driver is behind the wheel...don't know how much truth there is to that one, but it's funny.
Edit, I did find this one online (maybe this is what the person who told me above was referring to):
In Tennessee a man must walk in front of any car driven by a woman while waving a red flag as a warning.
On another note:
In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.<--I wonder if he's aware of this
1)In Oxford, Ohio, it is unlawful for a woman to appear in public while unshaven.This includes legs and face.
2)In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
When I was a reporter, years ago, I used to do the odd newspaper story on weird laws, when I could get a friendly municipal clerk who would relate them to me. One that was on the books in Dunnville, Ontario at one time said that every house in the town had to have a ladder on the roof at all times (a fire prevention step).
In a less humorous vein, when I was a child there was a law in my home town (which will not be named) that a black person was not allowed to spend the night in the local hotel. The story was that this was instituted after a rape (guess who got blamed), but I have my doubts ... more likely pure racism. I bought a house about 10 miles from that town in 199? and my deed said that I was not allowed to sell the house to blacks, gypsies, catholics, jews, indians, etc., etc. My lawyer noted that this clause, written in the early 60s, was no longer valid. Well, duh.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10. That's a lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. "Twins". They aren't yours. Get a lawyer...
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an ear ring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD
This Is AMAZING!!!
Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically. Until Now.
Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.
New Stock Market Terms
SMA -Save My *** [used most frequently by CITI & AIG]
CEO– Chief Embezzlement Office
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET– A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
BEAR MARKET– a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING– The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO– The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.
STANDARD & POOR– Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST– Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT– When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION– The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS– What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR– Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.
Stix Hart wrote:
I thought I had swine flu so I phoned the doctor... but all I got was crackling.
I love this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion....Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy..
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie.
Iechyd da! John
00:29 12/06/2009 BST
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over... 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen naked, except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, nothings different! It's hanging down today,it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, '...AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
'Nope,' she replied.
'...IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .. Run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
And most importantly,
Never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.
A TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my
loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout
line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a
dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I
probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food
is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going
to try it again.. (I have to mention here that practically
everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a
curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us
Costco won't let me shop there any more......
Europe, Middle East and Africa