Long, but read it all...I was lmao (#15 and 55 are my favs):

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

5. That's enough, Nickelback.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft..

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the **** was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people... I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond

earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way... We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die..

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in....(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died..

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32.. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

34. Bad decisions make good stories

35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.

What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood..

54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

SIMCLMAO!!!!!!!!

Bill and Sam,  two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the  squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show  up.

Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a  cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really  got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got  together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to  find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and  Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park  and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited  and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying  out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill  replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the  world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little  blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime  go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her What about  her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at  89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'  .....

.....'The damn judge gave me 30 days for  perjury.'

Hey Bud, that's an Italian joke.....

Umm, this is the joke thread, that should be in the 'sad' thread.

Funny Craigslist Ad:

1977 Pontiac Trans Am- Buy this ******* thing - $2300 (Harrison)

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
Date: 2009-10-03, 9:30PM CDT
Reply to: sale-zfmfn-1405305618@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------


1. 1977 Pontiac Trans Am - (4th time being posted...Im truly sick and tired of this damn car. I want it gone before I blow the damn thing up.)

2. NO t-tops (so please dont send me an email asking if it has t-tops the t-top fairy did not magically stop by and leave a surpise since i've posted this ad)

3. Mileage (seriously??!! I have no idea...its a 77 for all i know its turned 5times but i'll be happy to tell you 10,000 if it means you'll buy the ******* thing)

4. Color - black (why this matter i don't know i guess its a guy thing....i don't think they had primrose red or aged copper green back in 77 they basically has 4 colors standard black, standard white, standard red and standard blue..after all it was the disco era they were more worried about bell bottoms and platforms)

5. I don't know the history of the car but i'll be glad to tell you it was used in Smokey and the Bandit if it means you'll buy the ******* thing

6. Interior is red and orginal that means it looks worn, people have probably had sex in it(not me and hubby though my *** is to fat for the back seat) and animals probably rode in it. The animals may have smoked it it though im not for sure you can never tell about those bad sheep.

7. Engine is good - Yes its the original engine and no i don't know how many miles are on it....see #3 but again i'll be happy to tell you it has 1000 if you'll buy the friddin thing

8. Needs carburator (this means you cant drive it until you get a carburator so don't email me ask me if it drives and then sound suprised when i say no)

9. Needs to be trailered to you dweling...what this means is its needs to be trailered to your house. See item #8 (don't be an asshat and email me and ask if it drives and then be surprised when i say No....if you do you don't deserve to have a computer hooked to the internet where you have access to unsuspecting reading people)

10. Its all orginal which mean its all original...its a tough one to grasp i know.

11. Pics - yes! I do have pics and yes! i'd be happy to share them with you....if you have 2300.00 in your bank account and will buy the ******* thing, and arent' wasting my time when 1. You don't have the money 2. You have to ask your Mom and Dad

12. Rust- (Its a 1977 its 32 years old...thats about like 1000 in car years) Im happy to report that it only has two spots of rust i don't know how that happened but it did the rust fairy must have skipped this black beast out of fear

13. Please don't email me and set up a time to see it or buy it without seeing it and then not show up....i know its a total hoot is make an appointment then not show up. Im laughing right now with you....ha ha screw it..

14. Yes, i'll come down on the price....but i will not come down to 50 percent off...Hello its a collectors item if you need something cheap theres probably a old VW van posted somewhere on Craigslist (after all you can get sperm on here im sure we can find you a cheap car )i'll even help you look if it means you won't waste my time.

So to sum all the above up in easy terms....someone, anyone buy this ******* 1977 Trans Am that has no t-tops, unknown mileage, all orginal, needs to be trailersed piece of American history....I'm sick of it and want it out of my ******* yard.

To my husband....you will not buy anything like this again...if you do i'll casterate you and sell your balls on Craigslist.

Why didn't Barack Obama win the Nobel Prize for Literature?

Answer: he wrote two books.

I forget his name for sure, but David Broder (?) the moderate conservative who appears on The New Hour with Jim Lehrer every Friday night said, "Obama should have swept the Nobel prizes.  Literature: Obama. Chemistry: Obama. Physics: Obama."   LMAO!

We bombed the moon way back in the 1960s during the apollo days when the orbiters were slammed into the moon to generate data. Heck even Japan and India bomded the moon just a year or so ago..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moon_landing

edit by me

Blonde: "Why?"

Socrates' wife did it with Mickey Mouse's dog? EEEWWWW!!!!!

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City where a woman may go to choose a husband. The instructions at the entrance explain how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down -except to exit the building!

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find her ideal husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

“When I’m elected president you’re going to see this health care legislation written in the open. It’s going to be on C-SPAN, and you’ll be able to see all the different people arguing to see whether they’re on your side or they’re on the side of the drug companies and the insurance companies and so on. But you’ll be able to see that process on C-SPAN.”

--Barack Obama

johnk3 wrote:

 

“When I’m elected president you’re going to see this health care legislation written in the open. It’s going to be on C-SPAN, and you’ll be able to see all the different people arguing to see whether they’re on your side or they’re on the side of the drug companies and the insurance companies and so on. But you’ll be able to see that process on C-SPAN.”

 

--Barack Obama

It's not all his fault, Jk3.  The Rs led the charge on spreading lies about death panels and having a government bureaucrat decide that Granny has to be put down and claiming that the Public Option (remember that CBO estimated 5% of people would use it) was going to ruin the economy and on and on and on.  Obama did reach out for Republican input initially, but they played the typical political tactics that both parties use to slime the opposition and muddy the water.

I know this is the joke thread, but Jk3's "joke" was so funny I had to speak up!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

A nun jumps into a cab for a crosstown trip, and the cabbie confesses, along the route, that he has always fantasized about kissing a nun. 'This is your lucky day!" his black clad fare says. "If you're single, and a good Catholic, pull into that alley."

He does, the nun comes up to the front seat, and lays a liplock on him like he's never imagined possible. When they come up for air, the cabbie says "After that, I have to confess again. I'm married, and I'm Lutheran."

"That's okay," his fare replies, "I'm Ralph, and I'm on my way to a costume party"

US President Barack Obama warned that the US economy could head into a “double-dip recession” unless urgent steps were taken to rein in mounting public debt.

The US president’s remarks – in an interview with Fox News in Beijing on Wednesday, towards the end of his eight-day tour of Asia – marked his strongest language yet on the necessity of putting public finances back on a sound footing.

“It is important though to recognise if we keep on adding to the debt, even in the midst of this recovery, that at some point, people could lose confidence in the US economy in a double-dip recession,” said Mr Obama.

http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/ee761ae2-d443-11de-990c-00144feabdc0.html