Here's a joke that makes me chuckle everytime I come back to the Photoshop Lounge, my post count was 30,000+ 3 years ago, it's slowly worked it's way down to 900, now that's funny !

This week the Commonwealth Games emergency call centre has been flooded with even more desperate calls for assistance from competitors. Since they arrived in the Indian capital they have been faced with problems that are not normally to be found in sporting events such as these around the world.

"Hello, Commonwealth Games Assistance Line, how may I help you today?"

"Hi... I need help in my room right now..."

"OK, sir, I'm sure we can be of assistance to you – what is the nature of your concern?"

"The nature of my concern is that THERE IS A BLOODY HUGE SNAKE IN MY BEDROOM..."

"OK, sir, firstly may I apologise for any inconvenience caused by this incident. Before I dispatch someone to deal with this problem, may I ask you a couple of questions to help me ascertain the threat level from said snake?"

"What? Yes... hurry please..."

"OK, sir – what is the colour of the snake?"

"Uuummm, it's a sort of browny black..."

"Brown or black, sir?"

"A mixture... I don't know..."

"Are there any markings on the snake?"

"WHAT? It's raising its head up in the air and it's fixing me with green eyes... I'm trapped here, please send someone as soon as possible..."

"I will soon be in a position to do so, sir... how long is the snake approximately?"

"About two metres... it's bloody huge... it's swaying from side to side now and the tongue is flickering..."

"OK, sir, I think you have an Indian cobra in your room – I shall be sending someone out as soon as possible."

"Is it... poisonous?"

"Oh yes, sir... it's in the big four... one bite and you're on your way to reincarnation..."

"Well... what should I do in the meantime?"

"Do not maintain eye contact – actually, my mother always used to say that if you sang to a snake then it would be soothed, you could try that."

"Sing? OK, but please hurry..."

"Thank you for calling, sir. Hello, line two, can I help you?"

"Yes, hi... I've just arrived and checked into my room..."

"Excellent, sir, welcome to India, did you have a nice flight?"

"Yes... fine thank you. It's just that when I got into my room, there appears to be a family living in my bathroom."

"Sir, you have only reserved this room for one person – if you have extra people staying there then there will be an additional charge to your organisation..."

"It's not my family – I don't know them at all, they have put a makeshift tent over the bathroom and are very polite – however, the situation is not ideal. They are saying that they had to move so that somebody called Karl Pilkington could move into their room as he was unhappy with where he was originally staying because it was smelly. Does any of this make any sense to you?"

"Sir... I am very busy here – does your family need another room?"

"They're not my family – I have never met them before..."

"Sir, I have another call, I must go. I apologise sir... Hello, line three, how can I help you?"

"Hello, there's a guy in the next room to me who has started singing really loudly and he's driving me insane..."

"OK... that gentleman is just trying to calm down a cobra – please be patient sir and he will soon stop one way or another... line four..."

"Hello... I'm on the fourth floor of Block B and there is what I think is a large tiger walking up and down the balcony outside our rooms – there are five of us here and we need to get to training, but obviously we have a problem doing that."

"OK, sir, I apologise for this inconvenience – our animal man is handling a snake problem right now so you can either wait for him or deal with the matter on your own."

"How on earth can we deal with a tiger?"

"My father believed in distraction. If you can go into your minibar, you should find some nuts – throw the nuts out and the tiger will eat them – while he is doing so you can slip out..."

"My friend has just opened the minibar and it just has two empty cans of paint in there... the tiger is now scratching on the door – we would really appreciate some help here..."

"Sir... I can only apologise for the emptiness of your minibar – I once saw a movie in which a gentleman managed to keep a lion away from himself with the use of a chair. If there is a chair in the room and the matter is urgent, I suggest you use this method to get to training and we should have it sorted out by the time you return to your room. I realise that this is not ideal and can only apologise, namaste..."

This week the Commonwealth Games emergency call centre has been flooded with even more desperate calls for assistance from competitors. Since they arrived in the Indian capital they have been faced with problems that are not normally to be found in sporting events such as these around the world.

"Hello, Commonwealth Games Assistance Line, how may I help you today?"

"Hi... I need help in my room right now..."

"OK, sir, I'm sure we can be of assistance to you – what is the nature of your concern?"

"The nature of my concern is that THERE IS A BLOODY HUGE SNAKE IN MY BEDROOM..."

"OK, sir, firstly may I apologise for any inconvenience caused by this incident. Before I dispatch someone to deal with this problem, may I ask you a couple of questions to help me ascertain the threat level from said snake?"

"What? Yes... hurry please..."

"OK, sir – what is the colour of the snake?"

"Uuummm, it's a sort of browny black..."

"Brown or black, sir?"

"A mixture... I don't know..."

"Are there any markings on the snake?"

"WHAT? It's raising its head up in the air and it's fixing me with green eyes... I'm trapped here, please send someone as soon as possible..."

"I will soon be in a position to do so, sir... how long is the snake approximately?"

"About two metres... it's bloody huge... it's swaying from side to side now and the tongue is flickering..."

"OK, sir, I think you have an Indian cobra in your room – I shall be sending someone out as soon as possible."

"Is it... poisonous?"

"Oh yes, sir... it's in the big four... one bite and you're on your way to reincarnation..."

"Well... what should I do in the meantime?"

"Do not maintain eye contact – actually, my mother always used to say that if you sang to a snake then it would be soothed, you could try that."

"Sing? OK, but please hurry..."

"Thank you for calling, sir. Hello, line two, can I help you?"

"Yes, hi... I've just arrived and checked into my room..."

"Excellent, sir, welcome to India, did you have a nice flight?"

"Yes... fine thank you. It's just that when I got into my room, there appears to be a family living in my bathroom."

"Sir, you have only reserved this room for one person – if you have extra people staying there then there will be an additional charge to your organisation..."

"It's not my family – I don't know them at all, they have put a makeshift tent over the bathroom and are very polite – however, the situation is not ideal. They are saying that they had to move so that somebody called Karl Pilkington could move into their room as he was unhappy with where he was originally staying because it was smelly. Does any of this make any sense to you?"

"Sir... I am very busy here – does your family need another room?"

"They're not my family – I have never met them before..."

"Sir, I have another call, I must go. I apologise sir... Hello, line three, how can I help you?"

"Hello, there's a guy in the next room to me who has started singing really loudly and he's driving me insane..."

"OK... that gentleman is just trying to calm down a cobra – please be patient sir and he will soon stop one way or another... line four..."

"Hello... I'm on the fourth floor of Block B and there is what I think is a large tiger walking up and down the balcony outside our rooms – there are five of us here and we need to get to training, but obviously we have a problem doing that."

"OK, sir, I apologise for this inconvenience – our animal man is handling a snake problem right now so you can either wait for him or deal with the matter on your own."

"How on earth can we deal with a tiger?"

"My father believed in distraction. If you can go into your minibar, you should find some nuts – throw the nuts out and the tiger will eat them – while he is doing so you can slip out..."

"My friend has just opened the minibar and it just has two empty cans of paint in there... the tiger is now scratching on the door – we would really appreciate some help here..."

"Sir... I can only apologise for the emptiness of your minibar – I once saw a movie in which a gentleman managed to keep a lion away from himself with the use of a chair. If there is a chair in the room and the matter is urgent, I suggest you use this method to get to training and we should have it sorted out by the time you return to your room. I realise that this is not ideal and can only apologise, namaste..."

Apologies for the multiple postings. I blame Jive going dead slow and halt.

I read a report with a quote from a Commonwealth Games official regarding the empty stands at the various venues, how they were making adjustments and were going to give away tickets and it was all going to be corrected soon, because . . . I imagined, his grandmother used to speak about persistence even in the face of insurmountable odds . . .

what's a wok?

something that you throw at a wabbit

5 Amazing Holes!

These holes are not only amazing, but some are really terrifying! The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are in the scale of things.

Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa

This hole has no bottom.

Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California

A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be drained from the reservoir.
It is the largest spillway of this type in the world.

It consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.

Great Blue Hole, Belize

This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize.

There are numerous blue holes around the world, but none as stunning as this one.

Sinkhole in Guatemala

This sinkhole occurred early this year in Guatemala. The hole swallowed 12 homes and killed at least 3 people.

The Silent Shitehole in Trafford, Near Manchester, England

It is reputed to be filled with at least 70,000 arse-holes at every home game.

It swallows up millions and millions of pounds of these arse-holes' money annually.

It is also reputed to be the most silent hole in the whole world - the money in this hole fills the Glazer family’s pockets in the USA and is never heard of again. Current debts: £1.1 billion and rising.

I recieved the SMS message this morning:

Hahahaha!  Loved your txt joke about Alzheimer's - real quality!

********..!!! So unfiar.

jameshood4444 wrote:

 

There once was a man from Nantucket...

…who kept all his gold in a bucket.

His daughter, named Nan, ran away with a man,

and as for the bucket, Nan took it.

Should be past tense, "Nan tuck it."

There once was a woman from Venus

Who cried cuz she didn't have a penis

So she went off to Mars

Picked a man from their gay bars

Said: "Earth's now the penis between us".

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on  a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one  hand and says to her, "How about a *******?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small *******," he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown,  with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad  says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy  himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the  intercom."

FINALLY — A great alternative to body scanners at airports . . . The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.

It’s a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with no racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift.  Case closed!

It was the postmans last day on the job - after 30 years delivering mail, he'd be stopping at the SCOTT residence one last time, and he did.

When he approached the front door, the door opened and there was the misses watching him approach. "Hi, Mrs. Scott, here's your mail" he said cheerfully as he handed her a bunch of letters and circulars. "Oh Mister Postman, thank you - and by the way I heard it was your last day today so here's one for you" as she handed him a plain unmarked envelope. The postman chuckled and said "It's missing postage and an address, I can't deliver this". She replied, "No, no - this is for YOU, it's a thank you, goodbye present". "Oh" said the postman, surprised, "Why thank you". "Open it" she said at which point he opened it and there was a ten dollar bill inside. "Thank you for all your great service" she said to which the postman returned the thanks. Actually he was quite insulted at only getting ten bucks. "Why bother" he thought to himself. He then nodded to her and began to walk away. The misses then said "Wait, there's more - please come in". He followed her into the house to find a beautiful lunch setting for two, silver and china, looking like a fancy restaurant. He said to her "I see you're having a fancy lunch today". She replied, "Yes, this is also for you, please sit and enjoy". They dined and when finished, the postman looked at his watch and said "Well, I gotta go finish my route and get home". She then winked at him and said "Ahh, but there's more - please come up to my bedroom".

WIthout hesitation, the postman followed her upstairs where they spent the next 1/2 hour in passionate sex. When it was all done, he looked at his watch and stated "That was wonderful, Mrs. Scott, but I must go finish my route". She nodded as she put back on her clothes. Just before he walked out the door, he turned to her and said "Mrs. Scott, I don't understand this - I've been delivering your mail for 30 years now and maybe seen you three times the entire time and now - this - WOW - this!  What gives ?"

Mrs Scott replied. "Well, I told my husband it was your last day today and I thought we should give you a hundred dollars tip". My husband said "Ahhh, screw him, just give him ten bucks ... and the lunch?  That was my idea.

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Give a Man a Fish Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach him to use the Internet, and he won'tv bother you for weeks!