Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Will this work this time? I think this is the sixth attempt to insert a wee little bit of HTML. It shouldn't be a major effort, but Jive™ makes it special!
(Oh, what am I complaining for??? At least I probably won't try to post only to find I've been logged out. They fixed ONE bug at least; I should be eternally grateful!)
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Two older women, Bertha and Elsa, were sitting around when Bertha pulled out a cigarette and offered Elsa one.
Elsa pursed the cigarette in her lips then, astonished, asked her friend what she was doing.
Bertha was placing a rubber over the filter and explained "Well dear, you look astonished. I put this rubber over the filter because, as you know, as we get older we tend to drool a bit of saliva on our filters, and, well, you know - wet filters are just so disgusting - they ruin the taste of a cigarette.
Elsa nodded in agreement and accepted a rubber for her cigarette.
Later that week, as Elsa was making her shopping rounds at the drug store, she purchased her usual staples of DEPENDS, her weekly prescription and her copy of SENIOR LIVING magazine. As the young make clerk rang up her purchases and asked for payment, Elsa interrupted and said "Oh, I forgot young man, I need a pack of rubbers. The young clerk, shocked, laughing - then said 'Wow ma'am, you're pretty old to request those things ... what size would you like ?
Elsa replied, "I don't care young man, as long as they fit my Camels".
LATE BREAKING NEWS -
The 11th circuit court of appeals has reversed a lower courts decision that allowed crosses in the veterans memorial park.
The memorial park has 7,000 plots and the court ruled the crosses must go because it represents 'government endorsment of religion'.
The court ordered all crosses removed and be replaced with smiley faces turned upside down.
Yup... seen it... hilarious
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. And, then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His wife Gina replied,
'The funeral director would be my first guess.'
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog…able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat … Been out a while.
Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300
Hardly used, call Chubby.
California grown – 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
FWIW... and authenticity subject to verification... but still
Subject: New Vocabulary
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"
How many Italians does it take to change a light bulb?
ONE…IT'S JUST A LIGHT BULB FER CRYSSAKES! WHAT ARE YOU, A RACIST OR SOMETHING? YOU GOTTA LOTTA NERVE! NOW, GOOD DAY…I SAID…GOOD…DAY!
The Bacon Tree
Eees a Ham Bush!
A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he
turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the
total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming,
universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy,
when you don't know sh*t?"
As one who finds himself trapped in airplanes, at tables at events, and even in their offices, while my wife tries to teach them some useful things on healthcare, I feel the little girl's pain - and deeply! With but a very few exceptions, none of them knows sh*t, and about much of anything. They only have their party's talking points (and those of their favorite lobbyists'), and are not good at listening to the people in the "trenches," who are the real experts. Each will quickly buy into some theory from an academician, who has never delivered even rudimentary healthcare, but has written a few papers of pure speculation, but not to one who’s actually running a half-dozen world-class hospitals, and being recognized at the highest level.
The same holds true for the other subjects too.
Gotta’ love them politicians.
I hope that the little girl was able to get back to her book.
Thanks for sharing that, though it's not really a joke, except on the American people. There, it's a bad, bad joke.
PS - the above observation carries over party lines!
You know, at my club, the cheeseburgers are better than the handjobs, and the staff DOES wash their hands, in between.
I liked your version better, as I heard a very similar one, where the golfer asks, "what would you say to a little handjob?" and the attractive bartender says, "hello little handjob... "
Europe, Middle East and Africa