Well,here's a story about a driver stopped by a Highway Patrol Officer who must have been related to Barney Fife.

HPO:  Okay sir,let's see your license.

Driver: Here you are.

HPO   Stares intently at the license,then at the driver: You are wearing glasses in this photo,why don't you have them on?

Driver: I have contacts.

HPO:  Listen Mister! I don't care who you know!! 

Bill Hunt wrote:

 

Good one.

 

Ditto. Some times the best ones are true.

 

At least he did not ask Dave to get out of the car, and stand on his head, so that he could be properly identified...

 

Hunt

At this point I'd guess the officer was too embarassed to be issuing any citation or speeding ticket with his name on it.

Last one in this series for me: One co-worker had a nephew in the Texas Highway Patrol,and a driver he stopped claimed to be a friend with someone in his division (he did not know it was the same officer he was talking  to) The officer writes up the ticket and sneers,"I hate him."

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the adverse effects it has on the human body, as well as the effects of smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really ... and who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife".

 

dave milbut wrote:

LOL

 

Noel... stop nitpicking

Feeling Hen-pecked?

Jay

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.  Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr …     gurrr … king".

Christmas Lights

Hi Sweetheart,
  
I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights.
  
I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.
  
I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy.
  
All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.
  
Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights!
  
I took the time to hang the lights for you today and now I will be off to go hunting.
  
Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.
  
I'll be home later.
  
Love you……
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What did they Jewish Santa claus say when he came down the chimney?

"Hey kids, wanna buy some toys?"

A  Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.  Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to  reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. 

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" The Scot asks the chemist. 

"Six  pence," says the chemist.

"How  much for a new one?"

"
Ten pence," says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. 
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says..  "We'll have a new one."

"I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it." - Rocky Graziano

You got a laugh out of me

"why did the scarecrow win an award?

because he was outstanding in his field."

Philosoraptor

Credit: http://thingsithinkarekindacool.com/2010/10/

-Noel