What JL and dave and B.C. said. :)

You get off with a B A G E L ?

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first
meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world
and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do"
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt,
well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!
You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack,
or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,
"I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

Sorry Graf, but that made the rounds as a flash animation in email about 2 years ago. :-(

This has prolly been around, but it's new to me, so I'll put it up.

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and
blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

Yeah, I say so!!!

I got no wife named Linda. This is gonna freak us both out! Linda, Larry?

How you doin, John? Since I got my computer back up, I have lost all the links to the other sites I have haunted in the past.

Recovery is painful....

Here is a new joke for you John L. Courtesy of my son John jr.

Made it up last night, but with all things created, someone probably thought of it before.

"Why did the horse kill the man?"
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"They were playing Chess!"

Well, it is funny!

Too bad LRK doesn't visit here.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -- What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,






















"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should
spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,
how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

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He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses". If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer
and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.

(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer)

Shutting down.

Lousy Kiwi from the future!!!

i Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,
how should he express himself?

Fed X?

I thought it was pronounced, "You pee, yes?"

LOL!

DOCTOR: I've got good news, and bad news.

PATIENT: Give me the good news.

DOCTOR: Your sperm count is one.

PATIENT: One? If that's the good news, what's the bad news?

DOCTOR: It's two feet long, and it wants out NOW!

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,

"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.




"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?

Well, the duck deos get plastered at lunch time every day, right?

>Good scene, great movie.

One of my favorite flicks.

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

Circle of life:

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

(yes, we know Mr. Levine)