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a joke thread - 19 edition

May 8, 2007 5:50 PM

  Latest reply: LTsFolly, May 12, 2013 3:25 AM
Replies 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 58 Previous Next
  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 14, 2007 6:51 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    I get to keep working, but only because I've seen it before.
     
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    Jun 14, 2007 6:54 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Lousy Kiwi from the future!!!
     
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    Jun 14, 2007 7:03 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Knowing the client I am working with at the moment, I wish I had gotten it wrong...
     
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    Jun 14, 2007 10:51 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    i Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,
    how should he express himself?

    Fed X?
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 14, 2007 10:54 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    LOL! He wouldn't want to trust himself to the care of a company whose name is pronounced "UPS" "Oops".
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 15, 2007 5:22 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    I thought it was pronounced, "You pee, yes?"
     
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    Jun 15, 2007 10:19 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when Count Dracula suddenly jumps on their car.

    "Quick, show him your cross!" says one of the nuns.

    The other nun shouts "Hey, Dracula! F*ck off!"
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 15, 2007 10:59 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    LOL!
     
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    Jun 16, 2007 7:09 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    That really did make me LOL! :-)
     
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    Jun 19, 2007 10:26 AM   in reply to dave milbut
     
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    Jun 19, 2007 10:36 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    "well-built", what exactly would that be? :-P
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 19, 2007 12:14 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    DOCTOR: I've got good news, and bad news.

    PATIENT: Give me the good news.

    DOCTOR: Your sperm count is one.

    PATIENT: One? If that's the good news, what's the bad news?

    DOCTOR: It's two feet long, and it wants out NOW!
     
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    Jun 19, 2007 12:17 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    The nuns seriously made me LOL!  <wiping tears from eyes>
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 20, 2007 5:35 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.

    The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

    "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

    "And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

    "I see your ears are working", says the duck,

    "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

    "Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

    "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

    Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

    This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

    "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

    "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

    "At the circus", says the barman.

    "The circus?" the duck enquires.

    "That's right", replies the barman.

    "The circus?" the duck asks again.

    "Yes" says the barman

    "That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

    "Yeah" the barman replies.

    "With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

    "Of Course" the barman replies.

    "With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

    "That's right!" says the barman.

    The duck looks confused.




    "What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 20, 2007 9:32 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    :-)
     
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    Jun 20, 2007 9:33 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Well, the duck deos get plastered at lunch time every day, right?
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 20, 2007 9:54 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head. The psychiatrist says: "Can I help you?" and the duck says: "Yeah, get this guy off my ***!"

    If that joke sounds familiar, its from a scene in My Favorite Year where a funny guy tries to teach an unfunny woman how to tell a joke. Good scene, great movie.
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 20, 2007 9:56 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    >Good scene, great movie.

    One of my favorite flicks.
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 20, 2007 11:08 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    >its from a scene in My Favorite Year where a funny guy tries to teach an unfunny woman how to tell a joke.

    A great movie that wasn't a huge hit then but hasn't become dated. Very funny and evocative of a more innocent time. Great takeoff on Errol Flynn.

    "I'm flesh and blood." "I can't use flesh and blood. I need Alan Swann as big as I can get him."

    "This is for ladies only." "So is this, ma'am. But every now and then I run a little water through it."
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 21, 2007 5:28 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

    At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

    At age 12...success is...having friends.

    At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

    Circle of life:

    At age 20...success is...having sex.

    At age 35...success is...having money.

    At age 50...success is...having money.

    At age 60...success is...having sex.

    At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

    At age 75...success is...having friends.

    At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

    At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

    (yes, we know Mr. Levine)
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 21, 2007 5:29 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar,
    announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical
    Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

    Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
    exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy
    pains.

    Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say,
    you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at
    birth. How much does he weigh now?"

    The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."

    The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20
    pounds at birth?"

    The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer,
    wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and
    said, "Had him circumcised."

    8o
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 21, 2007 5:33 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    >(yes, we know Mr. Levine)

     
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    Jun 21, 2007 5:34 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    LOL, all jokes should be automatically tagged with the statement "Yes we know Mr Levine" ;)
     
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    Jun 21, 2007 5:53 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

    "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

    "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

    "Sounds easy enough. OK."

    So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

    The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

    The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

    Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

    "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

    Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?"

    "Well, he had nail holes in his hands and feet."

    Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

    The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 21, 2007 5:54 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    (yes, we know Mr. Levine)?
     
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    Jun 22, 2007 5:09 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    >yes, we know Mr. Levine

    No, you don't know me at all! ;-)
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 22, 2007 5:29 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    From one of my daughters' magazines:

    How many squirrels does it take to change a light bulb?
    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    Doesn't matter, they're all nuts!
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 22, 2007 5:31 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    From a retired friend:

    What do retired people do all day?

    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f*cking break?"

    He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a sh*thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age...
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 22, 2007 5:49 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    I LOVE IT! :-)
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 22, 2007 7:06 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Two senior couples are walking along wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices, too."

    Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"

    Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"

    Sam says, "How about 'rose'?"

    "Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife, "Rose! Hey, Rose! What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 22, 2007 7:20 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Lol really hard @ the retired joke.
    Haha, snicker, shake of head @ the rose joke!
     
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  • Currently Being Moderated
    Jun 24, 2007 6:47 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Hey John. Who's Licorice Bite?
     
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    Jun 24, 2007 6:56 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    A Black S&M porn star?
     
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    Jun 24, 2007 1:57 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Smirk!
     
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    Jun 25, 2007 5:37 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Slurp!
     
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    Jun 25, 2007 8:23 AM   in reply to dave milbut
     
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    Jun 25, 2007 8:38 AM   in reply to dave milbut
     
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    Jun 25, 2007 8:45 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    LOOOVE that song, Jason! I completely forgot about that! Thanks!
     
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