Never heard you decrying deficits when Bush doubled it from $5T to $10T.

Who's decrying deficits? I'm just havin a belly laugh.

<insert "that one's got whiskers on" gif here>

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie.

Iechyd da! John
00:29 12/06/2009 BST

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. 

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'      

Margaret looked him over... 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen naked, except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, nothings different! It's hanging down today,it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, '...AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

'Nope,' she replied.

'...IT'S HANGING DOWN,  BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .. Run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

And most importantly,

Never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my

loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout

line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little

to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a

dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I

probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital

last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened

in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of

my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it

works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and

simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food

is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going

to try it again.. (I have to mention here that practically

everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because

the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a

curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us

both.

Costco won't let me shop there any more......

A Prayer for Dad, on Father's Day.

"Dear God, this year please send clothes  for all those poor ladies   in Daddy's  computer, Amen."

A Panda walks into a bar cafe.  He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit.  The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda" he says, at the door.  "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda.  Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Required reading for lonuge occupants.

As in tongue? Death from the lung?

Jay

King Kaiser: They're not serving tongue at lunch today, are they Leo? No tongue on show day. Twice they served tongue on show day, twice the opening sketch died... . No tongue, get it? No tongue. Tongue, death... .

-My Favorite Year (1982) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084370/

Sorry, Jay. I wouldn't want to piss you off. I'd get licked for sure.

Besides, you are the wrong gender for my punning-linguist skills.

Jay

Just to put the record straight – it's lonuge.

So there!

With enough likker, a cunning linguist I will engage.

I'll just leave this here.

Do we get funny points,JJ?       One more for current events. (attach is less of a page hog than insert.)