When a pervert calls...
The phone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says: "I bet you have a tight as****e With no hair."
Woman replies, "Yes, indeed, he's watching TV; who shall I say is calling?"
This was gleaned from fark.com during the recent fires in Colorado. Someone asked about the sources of these fires and got this gem of a reply:
"Campers. Smokers. Power lines. Car fire. House fire. Elk that have learned to use flint and steel. Meteorite. Kids with matches. Kids with a magnifying glass. Spontaneous human combustion. Fireworks. Spontaneous squirrel combustion. Homemade rocket. Embers from a chimney. An angry bear with a gas can, a lighter, and a political cause. Powertool malfunction. ATV fire. Drunk Texans blowing-off steam. Dragging trailer chains making sparks. Gods fighting. Fire ants finally living up to the hype. Badgers rioting over the stagnation of the middle-class. An arsonist who changed his mind, but then tripped and started the fire by accident. I could go on."
Brought up a slightly disjointed couple of lines from the late (RIP) Warren Zevon:
:... Lately he's been overheard in Mayfair
You better stay away from him
He'll rip your lungs out Jim
Huh, I'd like to meet his tailor... " [Werewolves of London]
Andy: "Oh my God! A bear, coming right at us!"
Bart: <quickly tightens the laces on his running shoes>
Andy: "You can't outrun a bear!"
Bart, sprinting away: "Don't have to; I just have to outrun you!"
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says "I love you so much I don't know how I could ever live without you"
Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" To which she replies: "That's me, talking to the wine."
A drummer is browsing around a musical instruments shop. When the owner asks if he can help him,the drummer replies:
"I'm tired of the band giving me crap because they say I don't play a real instrument. I'll show them I can. I want to buy that tuba and the accordion over there."
The owner thinks for a moment and says,"Well, I can sell you the fire extinguisher,but the radiator comes with the building."
So, The Man on the Moon has gone... RIP.
Here's a lovely story about him:
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only said his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.
On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.
It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question: "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with my brother in the backyard. He had hit a fly ball which landed in front of my neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
A great joke, but if it's at the expense of a certain individual, well, that's why I published the link. I like the joke and certainly the moonwalk fulfills the promise of the joke, but then associating it with the person doing the walk erroneously it turns out, does need the disclaimer.
Sic transit gloria mundi.
There's also (from Google : )
"Sic transit gloria mundi
How doth the busy bee,
Dum vivimus vivamus,
All the Latin I learned to speak but not understand as a altar boy is now exposed with a dilligent application of on line translators.
BTW, the last link"
Your link and mine look diferent.
Make sure that the Adobe Forum plays nice with Wiki,
or guggle: "Finis_gloriae_mundi_from_Juan_Valdez _Leal.png"
It's just an old painting, so I don't understand what either of the two objections may be, Adobe's or Wiki's : )
Wow, did the joke thread ever turn dark.
No disrepect intended to the great explorer Neil Armstrong, whom I got to photograph last year, nor to the dead Pope(?) pictured, but speaking of dark (and also deceased)...
From the Hippie Dippy Weatherman
I came up with this address for a decent size png:
A bit gruesome, but then, so was "Guernica"
I'd read this bit about the moonwalk first before reading the joke above and thought for sure it was going to be a Jacko (Michael Jackson) punchline. Now that I've read the joke, I'm hoping someone adapts it to make a better gag out of it.
There's a riot in Tunis
Egypt's broken out in fights
There's a rocket launch in Gaza all the way to Golan Heights
Prez44 Where Are You
/Caught on Twitter,baby boomers probably remember the TV theme this is from
Europe, Middle East and Africa