A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his
bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I
yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the sh!t out of all of you!"
A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high
bridge in Texas one day. As she neared the top of the
brige, she noticed a young man fixin' (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and
said, " Please don't jump, think of your dear mother
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any
She said, "Well, think of the Alamo ."
He replied, "What's the Alamo ?"
She replied, "Well,bless your heart, just go ahead
and jump, you dumb *** Yankee."
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Scott was struggling through the airport terminal with his obviously heavy suitcase when Bill Gates asked him the time.
Scott didn't recognize him, but pushed a button on his watch. The watch said out loud, "It's five fifty."
"Hey, cool watch!" said Bill.
Scott replied, "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this..." He displayed every time zone in the world, pressed a button and the watch announced, "The time is four fifty-one" in a Texas drawl. Another few pushes and the watch gave the time in Japan -- in Japanese!
Scott explained, "It includes a region-appropriate accent for each time zone."
Gates is impressed.
"That's not all," said Scott as he pushed a few more buttons and a tiny hi-res map of New York City appeared on its display. "The flashing dot shows our location via GPS," he explained. "View: recede ten," Scott ordered and the display changed to show eastern New York state.
"I need this watch!" said Gates.
"Oh, it's not yet ready for sale; I'm still working out some bugs," said its inventor. "Besides, I haven't shown you the FM radio receiver with digital tuner, the sonar device that measures distances underwater, the pager, the fax machine, the digital camera, the MP3 player with 300GB drive, video playback, Bluetooth, WiFi and WiMax..."
"How about $10,000?" said Gates.
"Oh, no. I've already spent more than on..."
"But it's not..."
"$50,000 -- in cash!" Bill opened his briefcase, which was filled with hundred dollar bills.
Scott thought, "I've only got about $5,000 into this and with 50K I can make another one that's better. I can be ready for merchandising in a year..."
Scott made his decision, "Okay, it's yours!"
He removed the watch and handed it to Gates, who happily walked away.
"Hey, wait up!" Scott called.
Gates turned around and said, "What?"
Scott pointed to the heavy suitcase he had been wrestling through the terminal. "Don't forget your battery!"
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.
"You know, I live by the railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky *******, was she pretty?"
In the 1950s a friend of Catherines moved with her young family into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to build a house on the lot. Catherines friend had a four year-old daughter who naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door. She hung around on the margins and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted with her and gave her little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented her with a little pay packet containing a shiny new half crown.
She took this home to her mother, who made all the appropriate cooings of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to deposit it in her account. When they went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her own pay packet.
Ive been building a house this week, she replied proudly.
Goodness! said the teller. And will you be building a house next week, too?
I will if we ever get the ******* bricks, answered the little girl.
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the
new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs Wong name the
baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well,
two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
(Are you sure you are ready??)
Sum Ting Wong
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroot to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to
catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Hummer I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your New York Giant's season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby replied, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he
catches a cold."
Not a joke, but on Craigslist in the Free section:
I have a small 13" TV that you can have for free. I don't like television - that's why it is 13". I bought it because my mom was visiting last year and she likes to watch Survivor...so, we kept the cable (which I don't like to pay for) and the 13" TV. My son, who is 7, is now addicted to TV and doesn't even listen to me when I ask him a question during Cartoon Network. No, he only gets less than a 1/2 hour a day if at all. So, I was trying to pull the stupid TV from the bedroom to the living room with that stupid white cable that Oceanic said they can't get through the wall - I have to pull the stupid thing around - and I yanked on it and the whole plug came out of the back...which included the white Oceanic cable and that thing that it plugs into.
What I'm thinking is that you might want a T.V. and that if you replaced (or duct taped) the connection thing, it might satisfy your child's desire for Camp Lazlo or My Gym Partner is a Monkey or the Adventures of Grim and Mandy...it would probably be a cheap fix, but I am done with carrying a television around the house.
Oh, it also has a remote but the back part is missing and the batteries fall out - so, you will spend more time searching for the batteries in the couch than getting up and changing the channel - which is irritating. But, then again, you could always duct tape the remote too.
Email me if you want it...
I think she's the one watching Cartoon Network too much...
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
.....I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.