A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his
bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I
yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the sh!t out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago"

A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high
bridge in Texas one day. As she neared the top of the
brige, she noticed a young man fixin' (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and
said, " Please don't jump, think of your dear mother
and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to
jump".

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any
kids"

She said, "Well, think of the Alamo ."

He replied, "What's the Alamo ?"

She replied, "Well,bless your heart, just go ahead
and jump, you dumb *** Yankee."

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will
begin to itch.unbearably..... or you'll have to pee or sneeze (or,
sometimes both).

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible
corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional
to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
(works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when
you are either with someone you don't want to be seen with, or you are
looking your worst.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, it will.

Law of Bio-mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the
reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the
aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss
will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will
have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face
down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and
cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Middle Management:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good share, magill! *sigh* sooo true. *lol* sooo true!

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the
new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs Wong name the
baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well,
two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
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(Are you sure you are ready??)
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Sum Ting Wong

lol. :D

Theme song for this joke: Bang a Wong, get it on, bang a Wong.

I read #41 twice and I still don't get it.

>I read #41 twice and I still don't get it.

:-(

few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a pie ce of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is Scroll Down!

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>the cute little girl who was "employed" by the builders had picked up their phrases.<br /><br />OIC! DUH! <lame excuse>I hadn't had my morning coffee yet</le> :">

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

So what you are saying is that the man's penis is short, limp and only worth a buck, eh?

She should get the house too.

>child's desire for Camp Lazlo or My Gym Partner is a Monkey or the Adventures of Grim and Mandy...

What about Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends, huh? Huh? Huh?

Even I could have said all that in one line!

Free TV: remote needs battery cover and plug needs electrical tape.

Haha. I missed that! I just read it and thought *where's Fosters?* LOL

Good catch! :D

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...
.....I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.

:-)