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a joke thread - 19 edition

May 8, 2007 5:50 PM

  Latest reply: shunithD, Jun 15, 2013 11:37 AM
Replies 1 2 3 4 ... 58 Previous Next
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    May 18, 2007 11:24 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Good share, magill! *sigh* sooo true. *lol* sooo true!
     
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    May 18, 2007 1:32 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    In the 1950s a friend of Catherines moved with her young family into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to build a house on the lot. Catherines friend had a four year-old daughter who naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door. She hung around on the margins and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted with her and gave her little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented her with a little pay packet containing a shiny new half crown.

    She took this home to her mother, who made all the appropriate cooings of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to deposit it in her account. When they went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her own pay packet.

    Ive been building a house this week, she replied proudly.

    Goodness! said the teller. And will you be building a house next week, too?

    I will if we ever get the ******* bricks, answered the little girl.
     
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    May 21, 2007 1:42 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
    The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
    Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the
    new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs Wong name the
    baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well,
    two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
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    (Are you sure you are ready??)
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    Sum Ting Wong
     
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    May 21, 2007 1:44 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Liz, if there was a virtual gong, I'd be hitting it just about now.

    Sent this to my wife.

    XD
     
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    May 21, 2007 1:51 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    lol. :D
     
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    May 21, 2007 2:16 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    re: #43... a Wong Gong?
     
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    May 21, 2007 2:44 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Theme song for this joke: Bang a Wong, get it on, bang a Wong.
     
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    May 21, 2007 2:53 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    but she wasnt. d'oh!
     
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    May 22, 2007 5:37 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    I read #41 twice and I still don't get it.
     
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    May 22, 2007 5:55 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    >I read #41 twice and I still don't get it.

    Because the cute little girl who was "employed" by the builders had picked up their phrases. It's cute because it's inappropriate and because she didn't know what she was saying. It's precocious.
     
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    May 22, 2007 6:14 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    >I read #41 twice and I still don't get it.

    :-(
     
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    May 22, 2007 7:50 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    >and I still don't get it

    D'oh!
     
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    May 22, 2007 8:55 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

    We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
    She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."

    She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

    The mechanic gave her a pie ce of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

    She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

    She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

    If you're not sure what a 710 is Scroll Down!

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    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
     
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    May 22, 2007 9:31 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroot to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

    The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to
    catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

    Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
    bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

    The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Hummer I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your New York Giant's season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

    Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

    The cabby replied, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he
    catches a cold."
     
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    May 22, 2007 10:28 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    >the cute little girl who was "employed" by the builders had picked up their phrases.<br /><br />OIC! DUH! <lame excuse>I hadn't had my morning coffee yet</le> :">
     
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    May 22, 2007 10:28 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    TOP 10 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2006/2007

    10.I Hate Every Bone In Her Body 'Cept Mine.

    9.It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night
    That Chewed My *** All Day.

    8. If the Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me.

    7. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.

    6. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

    5. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight
    Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

    4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To,I'd Be Out Of Prison By now.

    3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.

    2.She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.

    And the number 1 Country Song is:

    1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women
    But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few.
     
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    May 23, 2007 9:40 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

    The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

    The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

    After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
     
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    May 23, 2007 3:04 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    :-(
     
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    May 23, 2007 3:47 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    So what you are saying is that the man's penis is short, limp and only worth a buck, eh?

    She should get the house too.
     
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    May 23, 2007 4:20 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    Not a joke, but on Craigslist in the Free section:

    Hi...

    I have a small 13" TV that you can have for free. I don't like television - that's why it is 13". I bought it because my mom was visiting last year and she likes to watch Survivor...so, we kept the cable (which I don't like to pay for) and the 13" TV. My son, who is 7, is now addicted to TV and doesn't even listen to me when I ask him a question during Cartoon Network. No, he only gets less than a 1/2 hour a day if at all. So, I was trying to pull the stupid TV from the bedroom to the living room with that stupid white cable that Oceanic said they can't get through the wall - I have to pull the stupid thing around - and I yanked on it and the whole plug came out of the back...which included the white Oceanic cable and that thing that it plugs into.

    What I'm thinking is that you might want a T.V. and that if you replaced (or duct taped) the connection thing, it might satisfy your child's desire for Camp Lazlo or My Gym Partner is a Monkey or the Adventures of Grim and Mandy...it would probably be a cheap fix, but I am done with carrying a television around the house.

    Oh, it also has a remote but the back part is missing and the batteries fall out - so, you will spend more time searching for the batteries in the couch than getting up and changing the channel - which is irritating. But, then again, you could always duct tape the remote too.

    Email me if you want it...

    I think she's the one watching Cartoon Network too much...
     
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    May 24, 2007 8:50 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    >child's desire for Camp Lazlo or My Gym Partner is a Monkey or the Adventures of Grim and Mandy...

    What about Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends, huh? Huh? Huh?

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
     
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    May 24, 2007 8:52 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    Nooo I don't watch ANY cartoon network, myself. ;)
     
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    May 24, 2007 9:03 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Even I could have said all that in one line!

    Free TV: remote needs battery cover and plug needs electrical tape.
     
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    May 24, 2007 9:08 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    >the Adventures of Grim and Mandy

    Let's get it right people. The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. Can't forget Billy: We need his idiocy to offset Mandy's megalomaniacal ways.
     
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    May 24, 2007 9:16 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Haha. I missed that! I just read it and thought *where's Fosters?* LOL

    Good catch! :D
     
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    May 24, 2007 9:23 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    >>megalomaniacal

    I can't say "megalomaniacal" 5× fast.
     
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    May 24, 2007 9:31 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
    covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
    Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
    At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
    eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
    funeral...
    .....I'm a gynecologist."
    The proctologist fainted.
     
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    May 24, 2007 9:36 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    A: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
    B: R (arrrrgh)
    A: No, it's P... Because it be missin' a leg (said in a pirate voice)

    (For some reason most guys I tell this to don't get it, they keep thinking lowercase R.)
     
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    May 24, 2007 9:55 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    :-)
     
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    May 24, 2007 9:57 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    A Mathematician is on a boat and someone falls overboard.

    Help me, help me, cries a woman in the water.

    The mathematician quickly grabs a life preserver and throws it to the woman. Once she grabs a hold of it, he pulls her in. Grateful at being rescued, she gives him a big hug.

    The very next day the same woman falls overboard and begins to yell, Help me, help me!

    The mathematician runs over, sees that it is the same woman and mumbles, Ive already solved this problem, as he walks away
     
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    May 24, 2007 12:34 PM   in reply to dave milbut
    70! :|
     
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    May 25, 2007 6:01 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    A guy is driving down the highway when his car breaks down. After a while, a tow truck stops to help him, and parks behind him. Later on, a drunk driver talking on a cell phone slams into the back of the tow truck and kills himself, but the first driver and the tow truck driver are OK. So then, the drunk's father decides to sue the first guy, the tow truck driver, the tow company and the restaurant where the drunk got drunk. And now the punch line
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    It isn't a joke.
     
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    May 25, 2007 6:28 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    >The intoxication of Joshua Morgan Hancock on said occasion was involuntary.

    >The suit also says that Tolar was negligent in allowing his car to hit the wall and block the left lane, and that Hargrove also blocked the lane and failed to provide adequate warning to approaching motorists.

    Excuse me?!?
     
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    May 25, 2007 6:29 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    He couldn't help it. They handed him drinks, so it's not his fault.
     
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    May 25, 2007 6:29 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Probably strapped him down and stuck a funnel in his mouth.
     
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    May 25, 2007 6:32 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    Then dragged him to the car and buckled him in the drivers seat. And how about the idiot who let his car stall. When was the last time that vehicle was serviced? Which shop did the work? Why would the wrecker flash his warning lights when he got to the scene?
     
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    May 25, 2007 6:39 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    What about the loan officer at the bank where the owner of the stalled vehicle secured a loan to purchase said stalled vehicle?
     
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    May 25, 2007 6:42 AM   in reply to dave milbut
    and the mother of the driver of the wrecker. I don't think it's a coincidence that they call it a wrecker.

    Sad story.
     
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