15 Replies Latest reply: Apr 28, 2011 1:34 PM by able123 RSS

    My Cat is Smarter Than Your Bumper Sticker

    mdubuque Community Member

      Hello, I submitted the following to the New Yorker today:

       

       

      I was stuck in traffic today behind a Tiger Mom with a bumper sticker that was impossible to ignore.

       

      It stated that her cat was smarter than my honor student.

       

      I tried to pass her to show her my "My bumper sticker is smarter than your bumper sticker" on the rear of my car that was funnier than her car was, but was unable to do so.  She kept cutting me off.

       

      As I was stranded in the lane opposite her, I could not help but notice the bumper sticker ahead of me which read "My schnauzer is smarter than your Scottish terrier."  Now I don't have a Scottish terrier, but Toto seemed pretty smart to me.

       

      I tried to pass this little bulldog of a car to show it my other bumper sticker which read:  "My hand is smarter than your ham sandwich", but the traffic on Page Mill Road just seems to get worse every day and I was again thwarted in my drive to be top banana of the rush hour.

       

      As I changed lanes again, I began to feel trapped in a sea of bumper stickers commenting on the relative intelligence of items I rarely thought about; someone's honor student, my ham sandwich, their goldfish and so on.  I thought of showing my unease at this phenomenon by honking, but I realized that my horn was smaller than most anyone there.

       

      Up ahead and to the left of me was "My socks are smarter than your sweater."  In the left hand turn lane was "My socks are smarter than my suspenders."  Other cars sported such obscure boasts as "My hat is smarter than Bob's bow tie."  "My garbage can is smarter than your raccoon."   "My rabbit is smarter than your sandwich"  and "My cartographer is smarter than George Bush."

       

      However, when I saw a confused and apparently disoriented woman driving a smashed 1992 dirty white Honda Civic asserting that "Your refrigerator is smarter than I am", I began to wonder if she should really be driving.

       

      Some of them seemed quite petty.  "My guinea pig is smarter than your hamster" was a case in point.  I'm not even sure I recall the difference between the two.  Isn't one more aggressive than the other?  Which one? Does being more aggressive necessarily mean it is "smarter"?  "My wars are smarter than your wars", seemed to at least address the question, if not answer it.

       

      As I freed myself from the confines of this enormous traffic jam and into the wide open scenic vistas of Interstate 280 north, I was thrilled about not having so many obscure and intrusive messages at close range.  There was the occasional "My karma ran over your dogma" which seemed to date from a previous millenium and "My pet donkey is taller than your nephew", which seemed rather odd, but on the whole these incessant comparisons seemed less frequent as I made my way at a leisurely 85 mph past the verdant venture capital hills of Sand Hill Road.

       

      As I drove past some of the great intellectual centers of Silicon Valley and Stanford University, I decided to take advantage of the enormous business opportunity posed by these ubiquitous bumper stickers.  It was time to think outside the box, as so many from Steve Jobs to Mark Zuckerberg to Tony Bruno had before me in this very vicinity.

       

      I would turn my pain into gain.

       

      I have decided to invest my life savings into creating bumper stickers.   Major money center banks had bet enormous sums on subprime mortgages and come out unscathed.  What was I afraid of?

       

      I realized that most of the bumper stickers I had seen were probably copyrighted, so my task became that of generating new ones, which I would immediately protect as a trade secret or through copyright protection, to be decided at a later time.

       

      As I drove north past Woodside Road and Neil Young country, candidates rushed to the fore.

       

      One strategy was to explore "niche" markets that were previously underserved, in the tradition of the "low salt, sour cream and onion Doritos with jalapenos" that I find so tasty.


      By protecting the intellectual property on narrowcasting bumper stickers such as "My goldfish is smarter than your living room", "My surgeon is smarter than your hairdresser" and "My dad is smarter than your twin brother", I would corner those underserved markets and then jack up the price when they wanted to buy more of them.

       

      Additionally, I would target those very broad market segments that were currently underserved.  I think that "My honor student is smarter than your turtle" or "My wife is smarter than your husband", would be popular to those of us who want our claims to go unchallenged by other motorists.

       

      "My sister is smarter than your boss" and "My husband is prettier than your wife" might well appeal to the female demographic, although only in-depth market research could provide the final answer on that.  "My redwood is smarter than your fern" might appeal to those who insist on only the finest organic tofu.  I could experiment to see whether "My tortillas are smarter than your enchiladas" were a hit with the burgeoning Latino demographic.

       

      Because I am smarter than everyone else, I've already planned what I'm going to do with my second million dollars.

       

      I'm going to invest ALL of it in the lottery.  THEN, when THAT investment grows to an astounding sum, I will REINVEST ALL the proceeds BACK into the lottery to help put Bill Gates' wealth in its proper perspective.

       

      Because, as my new bumper sticker proudly proclaims:  "My lotto strategy is smarter than your lotto strategy!"

       

      Copyright 2011, by Matt Dubuque