Ok so first of all, it seems that Adobe has terrible customer support when it comes to Lightroom, because it wasn't listed in any of their automated phone menu options. Seems like they really wanted me to post here.
Anyway, I just installed Lightroom and opened it, and I immediately get the above error message. I've read the Adobe solutions article on this, as well as other threads in which users have discussed the same problem. I've tried every possible solution to no avail. Any help would be MUCH appreciated!
I run Lightroom 5 on a 2012 iMac.