Typically this would be done with an MVC architecture. You should have a service from your server to get the data for the dataprovider as well as a service to update the data once it's been modified.
Here's a really basic breakdown:
Getter service should populate a model object on the client.
The datagrid is bound to the model to display the data.
Edits in the datagrid should be propegated to the model.
once the user hits the submit button, the model object should be sent to a setter service on the server
Setter service updates the database.
It sounds like you currently update the database directly from your flex app which is why it might be troublesome for you to get the effect you want.
i've setup a bindable object that links to the datagrid dataprovider. when i pass it into CF as an object what is the syntax i need to loop over the object and insert into the db? or do i need to convert the dataprovider of the grid to an arraycollection of do something else or is leaving it as an object ok?
nevermind i figured it out... for anyone else looking to do this you can pass the dataprovider directly to the CF remoteobject by setting up an OBJECT variable in actionscript = the dataprovider name. coldfusion treats this as an array with structs in it.
then in CF when you pass that actionscript object over you can loop over it like an array and reference the column names (mine was called agreementObject):
<cfloop from="1" to="#ArrayLen(agreementObject)#" index="i">
<cfquery name="ins" datasource="#dbLink#">
insert into agreements